If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
