I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
