I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
