its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
