I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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