I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Green mimosas i think yes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
