i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
