my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
