I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
