she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
