The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
