He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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