Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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