My pussy is not your playground.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
