she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
