My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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