On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
