I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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