What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
