If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize