hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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