I'm going to jail i love you
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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