And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
