I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
