yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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