Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
