Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
