Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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