As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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