I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
40s are totally the cure
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
