Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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