wakey wakey hands off snakey
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Come share oat with me in your robe
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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