Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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