Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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