I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
