I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
