In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
