Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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