I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
