Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
