it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
