Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
