i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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