Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
