I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
