I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
