just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She told me I should be a condom model.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize