remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
