if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
