im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
