If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize