You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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