The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
