Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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