I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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