you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
