you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
