i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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