Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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